Great Expectations, Chapter Two

For the record: I SUCK at relationships with actual human beings.

About three months ago, I decided that I wanted to get laid. That was all. Well, maybe there was more to it than that. Sanchez and I have a long history. We had stopped seeing each other for the umpteenth time in November. Just kinda stopped, no big break up, no humongous fight, just kinda stopped... But that was our normal pattern. So when I sent the e-mail I did have ulterior motives. I figured if he didn't show up, that I would finally realize that it was over. If he did just show up per the conditions of the e-mail, I would know that the whole relationship was just about sex. Yes, I have low self-esteem and would have never guessed that he actually had feelings for me and wanted to really have a relationship. Which is what he said. But he's good at saying, not so good at follow-through.

After three months, the relationship just fell back into it's normal routine, so I decided to be a grown-up about it and have a conversation. Thursday, my son was moved from county jail to the state pen. Sanchez came over between work and school to give me a hug. I decided it was time to broach the subject. We had the same conversation we have everytime I get fed up with things. Then I had to go learn how to be an accountant.

Friday I call him and ask him to meet me for lunch. I know, but ask anyway, "How many times have we had that same conversation we had last night?" Too many. I told him I never want to have it again. So let's just be friends. I love this guy. Alot. But he just doesn't get that you can't tell me you want the "strings and conversations" and not do it. So there I go again with the expectations. I think he finally got it. I think we will do okay as friends. I am happier when he is in my life and when he's not, I carry around way too much anger which isn't good. Just gotta work on the wanting to jump him every time I see him thing.

Someday, I may start dating again. Right now, not ready for it. Too much going on with school and Tb. And really, I'm too much of a mess in my head to subject anybody to that. Besides, then I would probably end up with expectations.