Great Expectations, Chapter One

Lately I have been struggling with ways to improve me and my life. I can’t seem to come up with any solutions. Well, maybe I’ve thought of some solutions, but none are quick fix and will require actual work on my part. But I want a quick fix. Doesn’t everybody? I just keep going back to the basic question – Why does my life suck so much? I think the answer may lie in one word: Expectations.

Twenty years ago I was a recent college graduate (okay, it was an Associate’s Degree, but it’s still a degree!) and a new mom to the most beautiful baby boy ever! And I had great expectations for both of us. I was raising him alone, but just knew I could do it. I was smart, had common-sense, old-enough to know better but still young enough to not make the same mistakes my parents did, this was going to work out just fine. We would be happy, we would be a family, life would be good.

He was a colicky baby, but we made it through that. He was a strong-willed toddler who would throw a fit for just about any reason, but we made it through that. He had some behavior problems in pre-school, we got through that. Kindergarten was smooth sailing. The struggle with behavior was past us. He’d learned. Whew.

Then he went to first grade. And it was a return to the old ways. His teacher couldn’t control him. He was disruptive in class. We went to the pediatrician for ADD testing. He didn’t have it. So sorry professional teacher person, my kid is NOT going on drugs.

Second grade was good. I decided that the first grade teacher just sucked and life would be good again. Well, it wasn’t. Third grade it all went to hell again. I just couldn’t figure this out. He was fine at home. We got along good. He was a bright and fun child. Why was school such an issue for him? I still haven’t figured this one out.

Junior High brought a whole new set of problems. The biggest one being the fact that he decided that lying to me was the best route to take. In everything. Which was really dumb, because I figured out 99% of the lies. Eventually.

High School was bad. Really bad. He didn’t go to classes. Got in trouble with drugs, alcohol, the law. Two friends committed suicide. One friend died by passing out and choking on her own vomit.

He spent time in “reform school”. After the first visit, I figured he had learned his lesson and would never want to do that again and he would straighten up. I was wrong. He was back within 9 months. This time was a blessing in disguise because had he not been there, I don’t think he would have graduated from high school. Funny thing though. Both times he was there, he was on the honor roll. I know this kid is smart.

Okay, now, finally, this time – he has to have learned, right? No. He did great while he was on probation, I will give him that. But as soon as that was done, he started in with the destructive behaviors again. This led to problems at home and me telling him he had to move out. He did. The problems continued. He got in trouble with the law again. Spent a night in REAL jail. He has to have learned now for sure!! He went to court, got probation along with deferred imposition. All he had to do was stay out of trouble for 18 months and the whole thing would be wiped off his record. No problem. This would be a wise thing to do – a chance to wipe a stupid mistake off of your record – who wouldn’t want to do that? Well, anybody, but not my son.

So where are things now? Today or tomorrow, my baby will be transferred from county jail to the state penitentiary.

This was never part of my Expectations.

To be continued.....